borrowed_time | Honey Badger Don't Give a Fuck!

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Honey Badger Don't Give a Fuck!

That's right. I know you've all been eager to find out what Hogwarts House I belong to. Well, now you have it. My Ilvermorny House is Pukwudgie. My wand is an Elm wood with a Phoenix feather core 12 ¾" and Brittle flexibility. And my patronis is the mighty Hedgehog. Don't get too close, motherfuckers! I'm spiky!

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Of course.

Got somethin' against Hufflepuff?

Not a thing, luv.

That's because you're a puff too, isn't it?

~Never took the test. I doubt I'm a puff, or entirely a pouf.~

What?! But you're from the Potter motherland! You're taking it right now...

...and did you just come out to me?

Fiiiine.

Coming out implies I was ever in.

[She logs out and hands him her phone so he can start his own account.]

Here I thought you were flirting with me before. Boy, I read that wrong. [She laughs.]

~Thanks. ...This is more complicated than I thought.

Oh yeah, me, flirt with the stunning blonde with a boyfriend. Wot am I, a masochist?~

It's worth it. Keep going.

[Her eyebrows lift when he calls her stunning then snorts and shakes her head at the mention of a boyfriend.] Everybody calls him that. I mean but everybody. It's like I don't get a say in it or somethin'. Maybe I don't.

~...Slytherin. That CAN'T be right.

Well. Is he? You tell me.~

Why not? That's the house of Merlin and Snape. A lot of really powerful wizard come out of Slytherin and they ain't all bad. Some just let that power go to their head is all.

I like him. Obviously, I like him and we mess around and I like that too but even if I fuckin' fall for the guy, I don't do commitment or titles. I don't even do permanent addresses. I'm only 19 years old. That death do we part shit scares the hell out of me and he and I have talked about this stuff. A couple of times. He knows how I feel on the subject and says that he's down which is the only reason we still hang out. The second he decides he needs more than hangin' out and hookin' up, he knows I'll let him but it won't be from me.

~I guess, but it's a bit of a bad guy house. Not wot I was expecting is all.

Okay, okay. Sorry. I wasn't aware it was so casual.~

There are no bad houses, only bad wizards.

I'm not tryin' to snap at ya now. I just... Look, I know he's aching to get serious. I'm not stupid. And I know everyone thinks we are together anyway because y'all call him my boyfriend all the time. Sometimes I even let it slide but I don't need him thinkin' he's my boyfriend. It's getting messy enough without givin' him a damn title.

~I suppose.

Didn't mean to upset you. Just didn't want to overstep me bounds with you.~

What house were you hopin' to get?

I'm not upset. Not really. Or if I am it's with me.

...I'm gonna hurt him. I keep tellin' myself that he's a grown ass person and I already gave the disclaimer. He's choosin' this for himself but I know he's never been with anyone else. He's not protecting himself and if I were any kinda friend I would just end things before it gets any deeper. There's no future with me.

~I don't know, actually. I guess I assumed it would be Gryffindor.

You think he wants a future?~

Gryffindor and Slytherin aren't all that different. They're both glory hounds. The Slytherin are just more cautious. Why bust in through the front when you can sneak in through the back and get the element of surprise?

[She sighs and nods.] I know he does. He even said if the cancer comes back he'd stay with me to the end. I mean it's really sweet but to talk in terms of years like that? I had no idea what to say. I think I just cracked a joke and changed the subject. ...I'm fucked up, aren't I? I mean if you had someone that really liked you, wanted to be there for you, treated you so nice, and you actually liked, you'd be all about it, right?

~Maybe... I did tie someone's shoelaces together once...

...uhhh, we shouldn't use ME as a yardstick fer healthy relationships, luv.~

What a party animal?

Why? Would you end things with him too?

~That's me.

I'd fuck it up so bad he'd leave.~

Worst rockstar ever.

You? Yeah, okay. [She replied not at all convinced.]

~I know.

I'm serious. Right, so I met this girl. Smart, funny, loyal. She fancied me and I ignored 'er in favour of her hot blonde roommate. ...who turned out to be HER. So, naturally, I think this is brilliant! And she quite rightly slaps me and tells me to bugger off because I couldn't be arsed before I found out she was capable of fitting a narrow beauty standard.

I blew it. I always do.~

She like tested you? It never occurred to her that when faced with her or her+hot, you'd go for the personality and looks? She sounds like a bitch. Anyone in their right mind would have made the same choice.

~No, she didn't do that. It was an honest mistake - something that just happened by accident. She didn't want to tell anybody.

The point is, I was a pig. I ignored someone very special, and for hypocritical reasons to boot. I am NOT a good example of 'ow to date.

Besides. You know Amadeus better than I do. He just wants to dissect me, I think.~

She didn't want to tell anyone that she could be hot? What? Is this a Freddie Prince Jr. movie?

I think you might be a little hard on yourself with this one. You can't exactly help who you're attracted to and if you liked her, of course you would like her with prettier packaging.

He doesn't want to dissect you. I mean... probably not in a bad way. He's just a nerd and you pose a question he doesn't have an answer to. He's nice though. He wouldn't hurt someone if he didn't have to.

~She wanted people to like 'er for who she really was.

Tennyson, I am a walking horrorshow. I should NOT be judging other people on their looks.

If you say so, luv.~

That's a cop out. You can't say that you want people to like the real you but then hide yourself.

You've got pretty eyes.

I do say so. Though I'm not the telepath so you'd know better than me if he was some evil genius.

~I disagree. ~

[Mildly flustered.] ~...thank you.

I'm the worst telepath.~

You would.

You're welcome. You're not a horror show.

You seem to do alright to me.

~Look. Not even monsters want to be alone, and if you have to fake wot you are it feels... dirty.

Lying doesn't 'elp, luv.

I can project okay. I'm rubbish at mind reading.~

Exactly. What she did was dirty.

Look at me. I'm not lyin'. It's fucked up what happened to you but I grew up in hospitals. You're not even the first person I've ever seen without a bottom jaw. It's fucked up what happened to you but you're no monster. You're a survivor. Like me.

That's a shame. That could have come in real handy. Though it's probably better that you can't see in my head. Keep a little mystery. [She winks at him.]

~Tennyson. This one is on me. Let me accept that.

I'm sorry, sometimes I forget 'ow much you've been through. We are that, at any rate.

An intriguing mystery.~

You accept too much responsibility. Fine, you were a hound. You went for the pretty one when the not-as-pretty one would have been just fine. But she's no innocent and you shouldn't play with people like that. So you were both wrong. Feel better.

Yeah, well, I hide most of my ugly on the inside. Makes it easy to forget.

[She snorts.]

~Thank you.

True. I think yer beautiful.

You are.~

You're welcome.

I think you might be near sighted. [She laughs and shakes her head.] I'm alright.

Yeah? What's so intriguing about me?

[Even when he had a face, Jonothon's best feature was his eyes - expressive and piercing. He fixed Tennyson with a deliberate gaze for once.]

~Yer brilliant.

Of course yer intriguing. You've seen a lot already, and you've a fast mind. You probably 'ave lots of deep thoughts.~

[She laughs and runs her fingers through her hair. She was better at taking compliments than she used to be but she was still pretty awkward at it. Most of the time she just cracked a joke and changed the subject. Much the way she just did before. There is something in the way he's looking at her that stops her from doing it a second time.]

Thank you. Anyway, what were talking about?

Me? Hardly. I'm totally shallow.

~I think I was whingeing, as usual.

'Ow you figure?~

[She smirks.] You are a total whiner. This is true.

Well, maybe not totally shallow but I am very American in my attention span and love for instant pleasure. It's like my TV. I would rather watch a season in a day than an episode once a week.

~That just means yer intense.~

That's a nice way to put it.

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